Blood Confusion

So I had to get blood work done this morning to get my cholesterol checked (side note: I HATE needles, that has nothing to do with this story but I just want you to know how much they freak me out). Anyways...I walked into the hospital and asked the lady at the entrance where I go to get blood work. She said "past the clock on your right." That sounds simple right? Well I started walking down the hallway and there were four clocks, so I just picked one and walked into a room on my right and luckily it was the right place (who needs a GPS? not me!). So I was sitting in the waiting room and an old man (at first I thought it was a woman) walks in and the receptionist says, "Blood work or confusion?" I laughed to myself because I figured a lot of people must get lost just like I almost did (who needs that many clocks?) As I continued to wait, I looked around and noticed the two different hallways. One hallway was for blood work and the other one was for blood infusions. So I'm guessing the receptionist actually said infusion and not confusion. So in a nutshell I am probably going to hell for laughing at an old man who was getting a blood infusion and I guess I was the only person there "infused." Sorry sir, hope everything works out!

Gingerbread House Attempt

Ellen have you ever made a gingerbread house before? No? That is probably a good thing. Well every year my mom buys one of those gingerbread house kits for me to do (I have never once expressed any kind of interest in making these but she continues to buy them. She is going to end up on TLC: Gingerbread House Hoarding). Since today was Christmas Eve Eve, I decided I should probably make it. So I started making the icing, poured it into the bag, and then that is where it all started going down hill. The icing was overflowing over the top of the bag and dripping out of the tip, all over the floor. I walked to the kitchen table, leaving a trail of icing behind me on the floor. First I started to put the wrong pieces of gingerbread together (these things should really come with a blueprint) but then I fixed that. So minus the icing all over my face, the mailman, my hands, the kitchen floor and table, I thought things were going great. I started to add decorations to it and then the roof started to fall off; candy beads were flying everywhere and my sister was just sitting there laughing hysterically. At this point I think I lost all of my patience because somehow the gingerbread house magically ended back up in the same box it came in. Below is a picture of what the house should look like according to the box and then next to it is a picture of what mine looks like.

The Dentist

Ellen don't you hate when you go to, lets say, a dentist appointment and you end up sitting in that chair for about fifteen minutes until anyone realizes you have been sitting there? Today I found myself stuck in the dentist chair again and every time I go, as I wait, I just look around at the same paintings and articles that have been hung up on the wall since I was little. Today I found myself thoroughly studying the "Fire Exit" chart..."Oh! So you make a left instead of a right? That's interesting, I would have guessed the other way. Wow, look at that use of the red sharpie, very nice." After studying that for five minutes, I started to look at the detail on the blinds, what wattage their light bulbs were....it was just a big exciting event for me. Can't wait till my next appointment!

P.S. I hate flossing.

Kicked Out of an Art Museum

Ellen I don't know if I ever told you this but I go to Ohio State and Ohio State fans highly dislike the University of Michigan, more than we dislike classes before noon. Just keep this in mind for the story I am about to tell you. So today my mom and I were at the art museum in Chicago and everything was going great until I saw this girl with a Michigan shirt on. I happened to be wearing my lovely Ohio State shirt and pointed to it as I passed her. She quickly turned around, chased after me and started singing Michigan's Alma Mater. Well naturally I started singing Ohio State's right back at her. This caused a huge scene;paintings started to fall off the wall, windows wear breaking because of my awful voice and her awful song. One of the security officers came over and asked both of us to leave and we both went out kicking and screaming. I know she was only four years old but she started it first, plus it was her fault that she was wearing such an ugly shirt in the first place, right? I knew you would agree with me. Go BUCKS! 

Hardy Har Har.....meow!

What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

A Four Letter Word. . .

A four letter word that no ones like to talk about except for me is going to be the focus for this post (poop). So last night I was watching your interview with Oprah and when you walked out, "I'm Coming Out" by Diana Ross played. I love that song and probably listened to it at least eleven times today. I was talking to my friend tonight and I told her two things; 1. I thought I was about to get the "squirts" (they are what they sound like) and 2. I could not stop listening to Diana Ross's "I'm Coming Out." She asked me if that is the song I always sing when I am about to go to the bathroom and it's not but guess what? I think I'm going to make it be my bathroom song. I have never had a bathroom song before so I am PRETTY excited to go to the bathroom next; which knowing me could be any second or in seven days, either one.

ONE Week

Today is the one week anniversary of the "Send an Email to Ellen EVERY Day" Plan (SAETEEDP). I guess this means that I will have to start making a scrapbook soon. While I stare at that for the next ten years, here is a song that I think you would love dancing too on your show!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAxBdYM8opg

No One Likes Figgy Pudding, NO ONE

"You Can Call Me Al. . ."

Ellen, I have a serious question for you. This is super serious, so I want you to take your time and think before you answer this. Ready? Okay, here it goes, how do you feel about Paul Simon? I will sing one of his songs while I am waiting for your answer, don't let this influence your decision, I will only be completely crushed if you answer in the wrong way, no big deal. "I can call you Betty and Betty you can call me Al, nah nah nah nah nah, hmmm hmmm hmmmm" I hope you know what song I was singing otherwise you might interpret that previous sentence as me introducing myself to your mom as Al and trying to talk with a mouthful of peanut butter. Well I don't know anymore of the lyrics so I'm hoping you have come to your answer. You like him too?! Twinsies! That's weird, see I told you we would get along. Well I am glad you like Paul Simon just as much as I do, I think when I come on your show that you should play "You Can Call Me Al" when I come out and then we both can just jam out with Betty and some jars of peanut butter!

"Send an Email to Ellen EVERY Day" Plan

So the "Send an Email to Ellen EVERY Day" Plan, or as I like to call it, SAETEEDP, say-tea-pea, is in full swing! Today is number two. Two emails down, actually three because I sent two yesterday because I forgot to include the link to this blog in the first one, and hopefully one more to go!

Giant Sign

Co-Hosting

So Ellen....I am not sure if you have thought about this before but how would you feel having a co-host? I am willing to do this for you. My roommate and I were just sitting here watching your show and she turned to me and said, "You know what I wanted to put in your birthday card but didn't?" Naturally I said, "What?" She said, "I really think you are going to replace Ellen one day on her show. But she needs to meet you first for this to happen." But I am not looking to take over your show, so I think we should just partner up.But we have to meet first and  I would LOVE to meet you but you still haven't come over for dinner yet so I'm not sure how this is going to happen. I truly believe from the bottom of my heart that you and I would make the bestest friends ever but you have to give me a chance for this to happen. In order to convince you to meet me, I am currently teaching Harriet, my bird, the cutest bird there is, to say Ellen. So let's make a deal.....if Harriet learns to say Ellen, you have to be my best friend. Deal? Great.

$4,000 Rent Check

That sounds like a pretty expensive rent right? That's what I was thinking too, well actually, I wasn't really thinking at all apparently when I wrote our rent check for $4,000 when it is only $1,195 a month. So here is the "You see what had happened was..." story:

It was a sunny Wednesday afternoon and I was enjoying my lunch on the couch, not watching tv because the remote has been MIA since Tuesday. I hear a knock knock at the door. I got up, looked through the peep hole, saw a strange man standing in the hallway that I have never seen before, automatically unlock and open the door. It was one of the guys from our realty company here to collect our monthly rent. Last time he came on a Wednesday we were not home but he said he would be collecting again on Thursday. Well none of us were going to be there and ended up paying our rent late that month. So he gave his little shhhpeal and said he would be coming back again tomorrow (Thursday). I immediately thought, "Oh great, no one will be here tomorrow, I should definitely pay it now since I am home and perfectly capable of writing a check!" Keep in mind that I was the only one home at the time out of my two other roommates. I asked the guy if I could pay it now and he said yes. I had never paid the rent before, so I asked him if he happened to know how much our rent was, he didn't know. Feeling pressured to pay it right then since no one would be home on Thursday, I knew I could just figure it out. Well I knew that it was $387 per person a month (turns out that's not even right, it's $397.50, actually that might be wrong too. I'm still not really sure what the exact amount is. It doesn't matter because I will never be allowed to pay our rent again.) and that there were three of us. I also knew that we each just deposited $1000 in our joint checking account (this has nothing to do with our rent but it will help you understand why I wrote the rent check for what I did.) So I was doing the math in my head, wrote the amount in the box on the check and then started to write out the amount on the line of the check, "three thousand nine hundred and eighty seven dollars and 0/100." I remember being concerned that I was running out of room on the check but just thought that I was in my "big letter and spacing" phase again. By the way, if you are like my roommates and wondering where I got the 900 from for the check, I am still wondering that too. I understand my logic for the $3,000 and the $87 but the $900 is a mystery. So I carefully rip the check out of the book and hand it to the man. I texted my one roommate, Kari, asking her how much our rent was. I just wanted to make sure I wrote the correct amount. She said she didn't know and to check our bank account online, so I did. The main page comes up and I see that our total balance is $3,850. I almost crapped my pants right then and there. This was my "AHA" moment. I just realized that I wrote a check for more than we even had in our account! What the hell was I thinking?! Our rent is not $4,000 a month! I immediately called the realty company and told the lady I just wrote a check for the complete wrong amount (I never told her the exact amount in fear that she would evict me for stupidness) and asked if I could come down, rip up the check and write them a new one. She put me on hold for a few minutes and during this time I was laughing, just thinking about how much crap Kari was going to give me for this. She came back on the phone and said she would take down my name and number but with 600 checks coming in right now that she couldn't guarantee it. At this point, I still thought this whole situation was funny, until I talked to my mom. My mom has a tendency to do a lot of ditsy mistakes, so I thought she would find this story humbling and entertaining. I explained everything to her and her first response was, "What were you thinking when you wrote out a check for $4,000?!" Apparently by the tone in her voice, she did not find this entertaining or humbling, at all. She told me that I could call the bank and have them put a hold on the check if I knew the check number. I told her I didn't know the check number. "You didn't write it in your checkbook?" She asked. "We don't write anything in our checkbook." I told her. "Hannah! I'm worried about you girls!" she said in sheer disappoint and disbelief. I said, "Mom, everything is online, it's okay." That is not true but I didn't know what else to say. "Well Hannah, you need to find out the exact amount in your account and go deposit however much you need in case they cash that check. If it bounces, you are going to get charged a fee and that is your fault, you wrote the check." she told  me. I am really glad she explained this to me, because up until this point I was wondering who just wrote a check for $4,000. So I got off the phone with her and no longer thought this was as funny as I used to. I figured out how much I needed to deposit into our account just in case they did cash the check. I deposited the money and thought all was good and dandy. Turns out my roommate, Kari, decided to pay the cable bill, and now our balance was $3,985, TWO DOLLARS SHORT! After all that, we were TWO DOLLARS SHORT! Point of the story is this, one, this is still not as funny as it could be because we are still waiting to hear from the realty company. Two, I am never allowed to pay our rent. Three, my mom does not have the same sense of humor as me. But there is one good  thing from this whole situation, when I paid the rent, or really, four months of rent, the guy collecting it gave me a candy cane. So now I have a $4,000 candy cane to show for it!

Dream a Little Dream of Me

Ellen I have big news. I'm talking BIG. Bigger than my bird but smaller than my cat. That's how BIG this is. You will not believe what happened last night. Try and guess. What's that? No I did not run around taco bell at four in the morning naked, while eating ten burritos. I would never do that on a Thursday night, maybe Monday but never Thursday. Thursday is Truck Day, it deserves more respect than that. Good try though. What happened last night was this...are you ready? Are you sure? Are you really sure? Super duper positive? Okay, well than I guess I will tell you. I had my FIRST dream about you last night! You and Portia came to stay with me for the weekend to visit. It was one of my top five favorite dreams. I don't know why I said that, I cannot remember four other dreams, so I guess that makes you my favorite dream, unless I forget in two weeks. I have a problem with forgetting things. Just two days ago I wrote our rent check for $3,987 when our actual rent is $1,195. Why I decided to throw in a couple extra grand, I'm not sure. It is the holiday season so I guess I was in the giving mood. That story is for another time though...Back to my dream that you and Portia starred in! For some odd but awesome reason, the two of you decided to come visit me for the weekend! We laughed and laughed. And we even went out to eat at this quaint Greek restaurant that was in the basement of someone's house. You, Portia, my mom, and some guy named Carl all had lemonade and vodka shots. I had water and the tinniest little bowl of angel hair pasta with alfredo sauce. The only reason I remember this small detail is because I remember being upset in my dream about how small the portion size was. Just because we were eating in someone's basement doesn't mean I will only eat two needles. Anyways, we all had a great time, went back to my house, only to find thugs painting it brown and gunshots going off from the balcony. Due to the increased amount of crime around campus, I am thinking this is why this part was incorporated into my dream. Or maybe, secretly, I have always wished that our house would be painted brown, I guess we will never know. But that is pretty much the whole dream, great right?! I was thinking the same thing! Thanks for stopping by Ellen!